Contributor: Sue Schoeppel

We don’t usually blog about Secret Fabulas.  They’re secret… and saucy and bawdy and occasionally downright erotic! Being of high moral fiber, I only stumbled on the latest, “Secret Fabula: Afterdark”, by accident.  Piously trekking toward the Christian Science Reading Room, I spied Nicole placing a Secret Fabula poster in the window of Freight 38 (www.freight38.space) on the corner of Walker & First.  Yes, I often walk 15 blocks and under a major highway on frozen Friday nights. 

The vivacious Kennita greeted me, “Sue!  You’re early.  Excited about Afterdark?”

I tittered, “My, no!  I’m off to a prayer meeting and thought you might like to come. I would never sign up to sit in a cool industrial-style lounge consuming cocktails amidst stories of carnality.”

“Sue, you were the first to put your name in,” Kennita replied, “Your email had smiley faces.  Besides, Afterdark isn’t just sex.  It’s anything that happens after dark.”  Sensing religiosity was lacking, I stayed, recruiting folks to share stories of life after the sun goes down… And submit anonymous questions for professional sexperts Ash and Hudson from The Tool Shed, Milwaukee’s finest adult toys and education destination (www.toolshedtoys.com).

Here’s a rundown of the night’s delights.  Names have been changed to protect the way-not innocent:

Leah Delaney (her real name), debaucherous MC extraordinaire, kicked the night off with a dramatic recitation from George Michaels (his real name), “Cuh-Cuh-Cuh-Cuh-Cuh-Cuh-C’mon!”  Bartender and co-owner of Freight 38, Steve’s (real names end here) story consisted of just five cautionary words: “The Bartender is Always Listening!”

Happy Birthday to E…Times Three:  After ending an abusive marriage and left to raise two kids alone, Madame E longed to feel her “dirty 30s” hard and strong for her 35th birthday.  Three separate playmates joined her celebration:  Guy #1 walked into the bar with his fiancé on one arm, grabbing E’s derriere with the other. When E tired of him, she called Guy #2, a semi-casual relationship who drove them in his sexy low rider back to his place.  E performed her best private dancer for Guy #2 and was rewarded with his special moves.  While receiving her joy, E received a text from Guy #3, another of E’s semi-casuals with a rockin’ bod from training for MMA bouts.  Guy #3 had ultra-special b-day wishes in mind, so E headed off for her last 35th birthday adventure.

Sex Ed, Ex Fabula Style:  Ash and Hudson answered anonymous audience queries about the beast with two backs.  Repeating the questions here might get me hauled away in handcuffs (not the furry fun kind), so let’s sum up the Top 10 Answers.  They double as answer for all areas of life:

10)  Communication is key.

9)  Communication and patience and lube.  A lotta lube.

8)  Whatever it may be, it varies by the individual.  As such, refer back to answer 2.

7)  Yay, lube!

6)  If you numb away the pain, you numb away the pleasure.

5)  YAY, LUBE!!!

4) “No” means move on.  End of discussion.

3)  Don’t bend to society’s pressures; styles do change.  Find someone who appreciates you as you are.

2)  Reintroduce novelty.  Try www.mojoupgrade.com

And the #1 Answer from our sexperts:

1)  YAAAAAAY, LUBE!!!!

 It’s Never Too Late:  Madame X shared that by age 30, she had never experienced a single orgasm.  After revealing this to her motherly coworkers at the municipal courthouse, X was shocked when her boss offered to “help her out”!  A big, brown envelope left on X’s desk held a sex toy catalog, which led to a colleague who demonstrated and sold her inventory of sex toys out of a purple-lined suitcase.  X received her purchase in the mail, sparking the decision to take herself on a date.  Dinner at Wendy’s, a hot shower, an iPod playing her Slow Jams mix, X “went to town” and learned there truly is life after 30!

Spin The Bottle with Megan:  Audience members grouped up for Spin the Bottle Q&A style.  Have you ever played 7 Minutes in Heaven?  What’s your favorite ‘get busy’ song?  Lights on or off?  Best euphemism for ‘having sex’?  Spin your own bottle and send your answers in the Comments below!

Will Play For Sex:  As one of a handful of people of color at a private school, Monsieur F found he could get girls by playing popular songs.  Overnight, after enticing two hotties with Henry Mancini’s “Pink Panther”, F found music was the key to instantly popular.

F learned making music led to women’s attentions.  But as his music career took off, his personal life faltered.  Casual encounters increased and his self-esteem plummeted.  Relationships failed with his infidelity, women went public with accusations of inappropriateness, media-fueled half-truths and flat-out lies.  F sank into despair and alcoholism.

A friend reached out and helped him find A.A.  F learned about his condition and the lifestyle that had led him to darkness.  He found faith and stronger relationships through meetings and the wisdom of The Will to Change by Bell Hooks.

Three’s Company, Officer:  Monsieur A: “It is illegal in the State of Florida to show your privates….It is also illegal to participate in the act of someone breaking this law.”  Stationed in Florida in 1998, A was a 28 year-old single dad of two who needed a break… STRIP CLUB!  He became a regular at a club where he befriended one stripper, declared her his soul mate and gave her a place to live.  One week later, one stripper roommate became three!  A thought he was about to get seriously lucky.

One night, things got out of hand as one of his stripper pals broke the aforementioned law while A tossed dollar bills.  Both were cuffed (not the furry fun kind) by an undercover police officer.  A avoided jail only because his trio of beautiful roomies stood up for him.

Exploring Au Naturale:  Madame B was an only child, active in 4H and lacking an older sibling to guide her.  One night in the darkness of the Oshkosh Fairgrounds, B and an anonymous boy slipped under a parked combine and began “exploring and enjoying” each other.  Suddenly, a little kid ran under the combine and spied them.  “Go away!” E’s no-name lover shouted in a husky voice.  After all, they were playing their own private game of Hide & Seek!

Casting Call and the Kept Man Blues:  Monsieur U told two stories.  In the first, the lusty attentions of a large male casting director took U by surprise.  Having met while U was a news photographer covering a Madison-based casting call, U found himself sympathizing with petite women in the amorous presence of men of substantial size.

Second, U spoke of his college days spent as a ‘kept man’ by a wealthy co-ed ‘keeper’.  After two years of gifts, clothes and trips, his gal pal moved to Minneapolis. The distance led U to seek love elsewhere with multiple other women.  When his keeper returned, U and she “had a lot of sex”. Unfortunately, she gave U one last parting gift: a reason to call his previous sex partners.  It seemed she had been unfaithful as well and had shared more than her money with U.

This Lady Went Gaga:  An educator, bartender and volunteer, Madame L brought the house down and the night to a close with a song she wrote after attending the very first Ladies Rock Camp.  The song extolled amorous praises for her coworker, Carl:

“Carl, Carl!  In your Mr. Rogers sweater…!”